Appearances, as they say, are deceptive fuckers. You see, despite my new-found happiness, I recently realised something. Something I’ve known for some time but chose to ignore. I’m burdened by the overwhelming, shameful realisation that whatever talent I may have once been blessed with is slowly but surely ebbing away, and I’m left with precisely nothing.
A talent for what, exactly?
Well, I’ve always, always, always wanted to be an actor. Can I act? Possibly. Or at least pretend I can. And isn’t pretending the essence of acting? I mean, what is acting? It’s pretending. There you go. So there’s that. I’m a firm believer in it’s never too late, or at least that’s what I tell other people. I don’t necessarily believe it myself, but I suppose it’s true.
For example, Christoph Waltz was 51 by the time ‘Inglourious Basterds’ made him star, so perhaps there’s a sliver of hope. But like most things in life, this requires a degree of effort and I’ve come to realise that my concentration is practically non-existent and I’m very easily distracted. So in that sense – sadly, the only sense – I’m fucked.
I’ve never felt completely happy with my lot – always dissatisfied in some way, even in the most satisfying of circumstances. It’s always the grass is greener and setting myself unrealistic expectations. I am my own worst enemy. I figure I should be rich and famous by now. I believe there’s been a criminal oversight somewhere along the way and I should have been ‘discovered’ – as an actor – years ago. But apart from a few months at drama school in my late teens (evening classes in a freezing, dingy town hall next to my former prep school), I haven’t exactly put myself ‘out there’, so the chances of being seen by a Hollywood scout are relatively slim.
About the only other thing I’ve ever had an interest in artistically is writing – that I can do, though readers of this blog may firmly disagree. So, with that in mind and, other than inconsequential online rambling, I’ve decided to write something. Something kinda cool. Again, I’d rather not go into detail for now but I’m both excited and daunted. I’m immersed in research at present, but sooner or later, I will begin and see what happens. I made a start several weeks ago on this mystery project but soon discovered that I was way, way out of my depth, so I stopped and began to read up on everything I needed to know first. It could be something or absolutely nothing.
Watch this space.